Sermon 18-11-12

I strongly suggest you go here
 http://www.textweek.com/yearb/properb28.htm
before reading this one! It makes more sense that way.



We all know by now how much I like stories. I'm a reader. I'm a talker. I like to think I'm a listener. And I believe that every person's story has something to teach us about God and the way God works through peoples lives.
Just as every person has a story, so every person has a family. Not necessarily the incompetent father, happy home-maker mother and 2.3 or 1.8 or however many kids that people like to hold up as an ideal when they are trying to sell us a product or an idea, but a family of origin and often a family of choice. Sometimes these are the same. Sometimes they are not. I realise that my family is an advertisers dream – we have a male and female parent (who are even married!), a male and female child and we are very close to our extended family as well. Of course, our ideality may start to crack a little when people who would like to hold us up as some kind of standard realise that my husband doesn't go to Church, my daughter is a 5 year old feminist, my son wears pink and we are all actively gay friendly.
We are one form of a family, one form that works for us. But not all people have a family that looks like ours. We know functional families who are estranged from their biological parents and dysfunctional ones who should be. We know families with 2 mothers, or one mother, or no father, or 3 fathers. We know families with no children by choice, or many children by accident, or, tragically, no children by circumstances beyond their control. And it was these people who were at the top of my mind and my heart when we read Hannah's story.
It’s curious to see how often in even the Bible (dare one say, in especially the Bible?) the purposes of God somehow move forward not just despite familial dysfunction but sometimes even through it. We’ve got a load of dysfunction coming up in the Samuel story through the shenanigans of Hophni and Phineas—and Eli’s hand-wringing inability to do a blessed thing about it all. But we’ve got nettlesome family issues right in this opening chapter, too.



Hannah was desperate for a child. Many of us will have felt that longing, that feeling that our lives, our hearts, our stories are as of yet incomplete. Added to that yearning was the cruel fact that in ancient Israel a woman's worth lay in her virginity or her motherhood. Without a son, when Hannah's husband died she would be at the mercy of Peninnah, and I'm sure we can well imagine how that mercy would play out. Elkanah also seemed to miss the point – “how could you possibly want a child”, he asks, “when you've got me?”. The Bible doesn't record Hannah's reaction, but I like to think it may have involved violence. Elkanah also seems oblivious to his other wife's constant taunting. Or maybe he thought it shouldn't matter what Peninnah said, after all, Hannah must know she was his favourite!



At first glance, God seems as cruel as Peninnah. Peninnah is obviously cruel with her taunts, yet God seems equally cruel to shut Hannah’s womb. Is God the cause of every barren womb? If we say yes, then it is an easy jump to say God is the cause of every barren and hopeless situation, of every disease and disaster.
I do not believe this. I believe we live in a broken world with several causes of trouble. Some are tied to God’s gift of free will, the consequences of our own choices and/or the consequences of other people’s choices. Some situations are the work of the evil one and some come from the general state of brokenness found in living between Eden and Heaven. It’s consistent with God’s character to bring birth out of barrenness, hope out of hopelessness, but I’m having trouble with the idea of God causing the barrenness to begin with. Was the closing of her womb a special case because God had a special plan? Was it merely a misunderstanding of God’s timing? Did Hannah have to pray in order to nudge God’s memory and resulting action?
This leads to the second difficult question. Why does God answer Hannah’s prayer with a child while so many other prayers for children receive a “no” answer? Is it because she is more faithful? (as seen in her fervent prayers) She doesn’t doubt? (as seen in her attitude change after her encounter with Eli) Is it because of the bargain she makes with God to give the child over to God’s service? In fact the bargain might not be a bargain at all, but rather an illustration of Hannah’s faithfulness since all first born are to be the Lord’s. God does not request anything of her, yet Hannah makes the vow and sees it through. She brings her precious toddler to Eli, a man who has failed miserably in raising his own children.
I know God is not genie awaiting magic words, nor is God’s favor bought with promises or acts of great sacrifice. Yet, I am left with many questions. And I struggle to find a way to make sense of what I read, to bring it in line with my understanding of a life giving God, a Spirit which connects us all and our friend and companion Jesus Christ.
But when we look to Hannah's response, to both her heart wringing trouble and joyous conclusion, maybe this is where we find our God. When Hannah is in need, she doesn't hide from God, or take refuge behind easy platitudes. She doesn't waste time finding the perfect words or making sure she has the right posture to talk to God. She doesn't wait for the Priest to help her or let him regard her as less. She speaks from her heart to the God of her heart, without artifice or posturing. Her words of praise ring out today just as they did thousands of years ago, the praise of a woman's deepest joy being found in the depths of God's compassion.
How often do we remember to give thanks to God? How often do we celebrate the everyday miracles of our lives?
Today, of course, is one of those celebrations. Today we have the privilege of welcoming into God's Church a very special child. Levi's family have heard God calling them to bring Levi to be a part of our family, and we are blessed for it. Like Hannah, this family is praising God in the best way they know how – with joy and thanksgiving, adding an essential chapter in Levi's story, the one that starts with God.
Hanna's story is paired today in the Gospel with Mark 13:1-8 and Jesus’ words about how even the tragedies of life in this world (like wars, rumors of war, and earthquakes) somehow manage to be—in God’s sovereign hands—things that portend the birth of something new and good and not merely the death of all that we have ever known.
That’s good news for all of us who are able to fess up that our own lives are hardly straight lines that always move in the direction of the godly and the good and the pious. Of course, this is no excuse for sloppy living or behaving like a witch such as Peninnah (or for being as foggy as Eli) but it does provide a light of hope that our lives can still be vehicles for good, for the constant working of God.

Let me finish with a story. Morgan Wooten was a basketball coach. He coached at DeMatha High School in the DC area. His teams won 1274 games while losing only 192 times. He was considered by everyone who knew him to be one of the great ones. Well, everyone except his grandson.

Wooten is one of only three high school coaches in the Basketball Hall of Fame. At his induction, he told a story about his grandson's first day of school. The teacher asked Nick, “What's your favorite sport?” “Baseball,” he said.
The teacher knew who Nick's grandfather was. She was surprised, “Not basketball?” Nick said, “Nope. I don't know anybody who knows anything about basketball.”

The teacher was even more surprised, “But Nick, a lot of people think your Grandfather Wooten knows a lot about basketball. Nick snorted and laughed, “Oh no! He doesn’t know anything about basketball. I go to all his games and he never gets to play.”

Sometimes we see God the way Nick saw his grandfather. Because we see the game of life going on and have a hard time seeing the hand of God anywhere in it, we think, “God knows nothing about it,” or, “God cares nothing about it,” or, “God can't do anything about it,” because, after all, we never see God get in the game.

The Scripture readings today talk about the art of having faith in a world gone mad, of seeing God's hand in the wild whirlwind of life around us. They are intended to bring us reassurance of God's love when we go through hard times and God seems to be very far away. So let us pray.

Lord of Hosts, there are so many things we do not understand. Our lack of understanding does not diminish your goodness or your power. Help us to follow you even when the situation is desperate and the way unclear. Build in us a faith that seeks you boldly and honestly, that will persevere in the midst of disrespect and ridicule. Teach us to stand and to defend our faith when others question and misunderstand. You are our only hope and salvation. We need you near. Amen.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

This is a very hard letter to write. It is a letter that you will never see, because it would cause more hurt than I am willing to inflict. But it is a letter that needs to be written, because I am sore in my heart about what is to come.

You are a great person. You are kind, smart, very funny! You really care about the people around you and you are generous with your time and your gifts. You are Godparent to my child because I really thought we would be part of each other's lives forever. I still hope that, but I think it's not going to look the way I thought it would 5 years ago.

The thing is, with all you give (and it is a lot) you expect a lot in return. A lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of pain. I am a very easy going person and I don't particularly like making waves, but you seem to need to hurt me whenever I hurt you, and I seem to hurt you fairly often. And I seem to just accept it. I never fight back, because I know that it's not worth the turmoil that would follow. I don't want to hurt you, offend you or cause problems for you, but it seems that that is what is happenning more and more often at the moment. As I grow as a person, as a Christian and as a woman, I seem to be less and less who I was when we met. This isn't a bad thing - we need to grow and change! - but it does seem to be a problem for you. I think we are too close, literally! I think a bit more physical space will help us to remain closer than when we see each other too often. Maybe we take each other a bit for granted? What I really mean is, maybe you take me a bit for granted. Maybe you assume that I will take your barbed comments and ignore them because that's what I do, that I will ignore the fact that you treated me with silence over something I still don't know but expect me to jump for you when you need me again. I wonder really how much you can like me when you often seem to assume the worst out of everything I say.

I am a harder person now than I used to be. I have more faith in myself. A lot of this is down to your friendship. You have helped make me who I am and I am better for it. I know you have noticed the distance i am putting between us and are resenting it. I know you are punishing me for it. I don't know if you are aware of this - I hope not. Because it isn't worthy of you.

You are my friend. I hope you will always be a part of my life. But right now I am going through a very introspective time and I am an introvert by nature. I am not willing to spend the time and energy that you desire or think you deserve. This is a time when I am looking after myself, my family, my relationship with God. I don't have the energy, or the inclination, to check everytime I speak to make sure I don't offend you, to worry everytime I call that you won't speak to me because of something I have done without ever knowing what it is.

I really, truly love you. I am thankful for all you have done for me. I hope and pray we will continue to be close for many years to come. Change is hard. Life is hard. But I hope we will both be the better for it.

I love you.

Woman Wisdom, Lady Sophia.

A sneak oeek at my semon for Sunday! I strongly suggest you read the proverbs and Gospel reading before hand though, it makes much more sense in context!

http://www.textweek.com/yearb/properb20.htm

Today in our readings we are celebrating. And we are celebrating some of those who were, and still are, the lesser and least in our society. Today we are celebrating women and children. We are celebrating servants and slaves. We are celebrating Woman Wisdom, Sophia, and all that she brings. We are celebrating a good and obedient wife... hang on. Let's back up a bit and have a closer look at this well known reading. What is the Spirit saying to the Church today?

We recognise in ancient texts the power dynamics that allow men to idealise female virtue in terms that benefit men and often harm women. Notice that this text cannot even imagine a virtuous woman who is unmarried, that is, who is not in relation to a male as wife. It is easy to dismiss this, “oh well, that was then and this is now, we're over that sort of thing” (ha, I wish) or “another disgraceful example of the patriarchy at work! That poor ideal woman is working all the time, from dawn till dusk, in every place for every person! Outrageous!”. But neither of these approaches do justice to what is in a lot of ways a critical understanding about the way we think about God and each other.

Proverbs is a book of instruction, helping us learn how to live in a way that brings us closer to God. They are much concerned with the gaining and keeping of wisdom – what can seem like foolishness to the wider world. These texts put much of this teaching about wisdom in the mouth of "Woman Wisdom," the personification of wisdom in Hebrew Scripture as well as in much of the ancient world. She calls upon humans to walk in her ways and follow her path. Proverbs 31, then, is set in the larger context of wisdom literature, and the more immediate context of Woman Wisdom.

There are some unusual aspects to this text that can go unnoticed. Firstly, a lot of the work this ideal woman is doing is not contained to the sphere traditionally allowed for women. While she clearly takes care of her husband and household and excels at domestic activities she is quite active outside the home as well. She is a successful businesswoman, considering a field and buying it , and is a viticulturist to boot. She is an entrepreneur who works late into the evening , who plans ahead , and who is not idle . She knows how to dress for success and how to sell goods for a profit. Her work compares favourably to merchant marines , and one suspects that the reason her husband is well known is because of her, not vice versa!

But this amazing paragon of virtue is not merely successful in worldly matters. She is no uncaring tycoon, instead she “opens her hand to the poor and reaches our her hands to the needy”. She does not remain silent – her voice is filled with wisdom and the “teaching of kindness”.

Truly this woman is a paragon of virtue. One wonders how far a young man in ancient Israel would have had to look to find such perfection. And also, what exactly he was planning on offering in return.

So we've had a look at what this text does say, now let's have a look at what it doesn't.

No where does it say anything about this paragon being subject to her husband. She is not obedient. She does not submit. She leads her own life rather than following someone else's. She pursues her own ends rather than obeying orders. There is no hint that her industry is not her own, that she is demure or deferential, or that her pursuits are directed by others. This is an independent individual who is reliant on no other human for her success or worth.

Secondly, there is nothing mentioned about pregnancy or childbirth, traditionally key credentials for womanhood in the ancient world. No where is she identified or given status by her children. She is notably not dedicating her life to them, not deriving her sense of being from them. Being a mother is but a small part of her identity. Times change hey?

Finally, nothing is said about he appearance. Nothing. She could be tall, short, big, small, botoxed within an inch of her life (although I suspect we are in the wrong era for that) or gray haired and loving it. Her appearance is completely irrelevant. This may be because we are talking about a mythical figure – what could Woman Wisdom look like? Interestingly, the scriptures contain many descriptions of what God is like, but never any describing God's appearance... whenever my RE students ask what God looks like, I explain that without a physical body it is hard to look like anything!

So when we look at this ideal, this aspiration, what we find is a woman who answers to no one but God, who is praised and loved by her family but not defined by them, who works hard in many spheres not normally considered suitable for her sex and who throughout it all has an aura of kindness and generosity. We find someone who we can all look up to, someone who can not be contained within the boundaries of her sex and situation but who breaks through them in the power of love. A revolutionary, a seer, a woman. Someone with no power in the world, but all the power from God.

So how do we get there? How do we become such a person, or mythological figure, ourselves?

Let's look to the gospel for help with this one. We all know that Jesus rebuked his disciples and told them they should be as a child. I'm sure we've all heard sermons about how pure and innocent these lovely children are. I'm sorry, have you MET my children? Adorable, yes. Lovable, certainly. But pure? Perfect? Without flaw? Not so much. What is it about children, what is this quality that allows them to be so close to God?

I would like to go back to verse 32 to answer this question. “But they did not understand what he was saying and were afraid to ask him,” They were afraid to ask. Think about it. They were afraid of looking stupid, of getting it wrong. In our own time, no one wants to look uninformed, confused, or clueless. We withhold our toughest questions, often within our own churches and within Christian fellowship. We pretend we don't have hard questions. Yet the deepest mysteries of life do indeed elude us. Why do good people suffer? Why are humans so brutal to one another? Why does evil succeed? If God's own Son is betrayed and killed, then no one is safe. Why did God set up a world like this?

Why ask our hard questions? Because we withhold these questions at our own peril.

Verse 34 reveals what happens to the disciples when they sidestep the real questions they are afraid to ask -- they turn to arguing with each other, squabbling among themselves over petty issues of rank and status (verse 34). There is a direct line drawn from verse 32 to verse 34. When the disciples avoid asking hard questions, they focus on posturing about who is right.

We know this too well in the church. How would this story be different if the disciples had asked Jesus their questions? What kind of conversation might have ensued between Jesus and the disciples? What kind of relationship would it have engendered with each other?

How would our stories be different if we ask Jesus our questions? What kind of conversations might we pursue with Jesus? How would our life as disciples together be different as a result?

There may have been a time or two when I've gotten heartily sick of my daughter's questions. There may have been times when I've said the words I always promised myself would never cross my lips; “because I said so!”. But to ask is to learn, and to learn is to grow. If we don't ask the questions because we may not like the answers, we are doing ourselves a disservice. If we are too afraid of how we will look to take a risk, to venture outside the boundaries we have set for ourselves or had set for us by those around us, we lose the opportunity to come closer to the God who is our truth and our light.

The good news is that Jesus welcomes us even when we do get it wrong. We have the example of Woman Wisdom in front of us, an example that none of us can ever live up to, but it is in the trying, the questioning, even the falling, that we are most authentically ourselves and most authentically children of God. So let's ask those hard questions. Let's take that risk. And let's do it in the knowledge that no matter what, God has our back.

Amen.

I have copied this directly off another blog - with permission of course. Now I'm going to print it off and read it to Abby. Every year.

Dear Chase,
Hey, baby.
Tomorrow is a big day. Third Grade -- wow.
Chase -- When I was in third grade, there was a little boy in my class named Adam.
Adam looked a little different and he wore funny clothes and sometimes he even smelled a little bit. Adam didn't smile. He hung his head low and he never looked at anyone at all. Adam never did his homework. I don't think his parents reminded him like yours do. The other kids teased Adam a lot. Whenever they did, his head hung lower and lower and lower. I never teased him, but I never told the other kids to stop, either.
And I never talked to Adam, not once. I never invited him to sit next to me at lunch, or to play with me at recess. Instead, he sat and played by himself. He must have been very lonely.
I still think about Adam every day. I wonder if Adam remembers me? Probably not. I bet if I'd asked him to play, just once, he'd still remember me.
I think that God puts people in our lives as gifts to us. The children in your class this year, they are some of God's gifts to you.
So please treat each one like a gift from God. Every single one.
Baby, if you see a child being left out, or hurt, or teased, a part of your heart will hurt a little. Your daddy and I want you to trust that heartache. Your whole life, we want you to notice and trust your heartache. That heartache is called compassion, and it is God's signal to you to do something. It is God saying, Chase! Wake up! One of my babies is hurting! Do something to help! Whenever you feel compassion -- be thrilled! It means God is speaking to you, and that is magic. It means He trusts you and needs you.
Sometimes the magic of compassion will make you step into the middle of a bad situation right away.
Compassion might lead you to tell a teaser to stop it and then ask the teased kid to play. You might invite a left-out kid to sit next to you at lunch. You might choose a kid for your team first who usually gets chosen last. These things will be hard to do, but you can do hard things.
Sometimes you will feel compassion but you won't step in right away. That's okay, too. You might choose instead to tell your teacher and then tell us. We are on your team -- we are on your whole class's team. Asking for help for someone who is hurting is not tattling, it is doing the right thing. If someone in your class needs help, please tell me, baby. We will make a plan to help together.
When God speaks to you by making your heart hurt for another, by giving you compassion, just do something. Please do not ignore God whispering to you. I so wish I had not ignored God when He spoke to me about Adam. I remember Him trying, I remember feeling compassion, but I chose fear over compassion. I wish I hadn't. Adam could have used a friend and I could have, too.
Chase -- We do not care if you are the smartest or fastest or coolest or funniest. There will be lots of contests at school, and we don't care if you win a single one of them. We don't care if you get straight As. We don't care if the girls think you're cute or whether you're picked first or last for kickball at recess. We don't care if you are your teacher's favorite or not. We don't care if you have the best clothes or most Pokemon cards or coolest gadgets. We just don't care.
We don't send you to school to become the best at anything at all. We already love you as much as we possibly could. You do not have to earn our love or pride and you can't lose it. That's done.
We send you to school to practice being brave and kind.
Kind people are brave people. Brave is not a feeling that you should wait for. It is a decision. It is a decision that compassion is more important than fear, than fitting in, than following the crowd.
Trust me, baby, it is. It is more important.
Don't try to be the best this year, honey.
Just be grateful and kind and brave. That's all you ever need to be.
Take care of those classmates of yours, and your teacher, too. You Belong to Each Other. You are one lucky boy... with all of these new gifts to unwrap this year.
I love you so much that my heart might explode.
Enjoy and cherish your gifts.
And thank you for being my favorite gift of all time.
Love,
Mama

Out and Proud

It seems it's not 'cool' or 'done' to be proud of yourself anymore. We aren't supposed to say or think 'good' things about ourselves, in case people think we're 'up ourselves' or that we are judging people who don't do things the way we do.

Well, stuff that.

I've had enough negativity for the moment. I've had enough of reading about how people are making stuff up on facebook just to make themselves look good (really?) or about how I shouldn't mention any of my own successes because they might make the person I'm talking to feel inadequate. I make mistakes (oh Lordy, do I make mistakes) but you know what? There are some things I am damn proud of and I own them. Here's a few.

I am proud that I have such a great, adult relationship with my parents and my brother. My mum is my best friend. My Dad will always do what is best for me and my brother always has my back. And you know what? It's because we've ALL worked at it. Relationships are hard work. We have chosen to put the time and energy into ours and it has paid off.

I am proud that my husband and I still love each other. More all the time. And I am proud that we are honest with each other and that we do work through our issues... eventually.

I am proud that my big girl has lovely manners and has a God awareness that enhances her life.

I am proud that my baby boy has never had formula or cried for more than a few minutes without a cuddle. That he has been carried, not pushed, and that he is really securely attached to his family. And that he sometimes says 'da' ('Ta'. We're working on it.)

I am proud that I have my black belt. Come on, how cool is that?

I am proud that I have two full degrees. I worked hard for those degrees, and I get good marks.

I am... humbled and overwhelmed that I will probably be ordained. There is no pride there, that is nothing that I have done that has made this happen... there is nothing to be proud of in trying to follow God's will. Not proud, but... satisfied. Deeper than pride. More meaningful. Soul deep.

That's my list. The things I am most proud of in my life. And there will be more, because I live my life in a way that lets me be proud of what I have achieved. And you know what? I don't think I am any better than a formula mum who used a pram from day dot and is divorced with no higher education. I really don't. Because being proud of MYSELF does not make me 'unproud' of anyone else. I can enjoy my successes without needing you to share them. Because wouldn't life be boring if we were all the same?

Clinical Pastoral Education... revealed!

So this is my final evaluation for CPE. We were told we could get creative, so instead of writing yet another boring monologue I wrote it in the form of a radio interview. I've edited out the bits about my peers - confidentiality, doncha know. But this may give some kind of idea what I spent more than 400 hours doing over the last 6 months.

Announcer: Good morning everybody, and welcome to “The CPE Final Evaluation Show!”. This morning we will attempt to enlighten you as to the significant journey Josie has been on as part of her CPE training. Let's start off with a bit of context. Josie, what prompted you to take this course?

Josie: Well, initially it was purely as a requirement for preparation for ordination. Basically, if I want to be ordained, I have to do it! But I had heard mysterious stories of personal growth and sleep deprivation from previous attendees so I was pretty keen to find out what this was all about.

Announcer: So you're an ordination candidate. Does that mean you're hoping to become an ordained priest?

Josie: Yes, if all goes well I'll be ordained in February 2013. I'll start off in a parish but hope to eventually move into a school.

Announcer: Sounds good! Let's move on to you learning goals. I hear you are quite a goal orientated person. How did you choose what goals you wished to work towards?

Josie: My first two goals I decided on very early in the course. My first came from a certain awkwardness I felt when praying in the company of others. Isn't awkward such an awkward word?

Announcer: Um, yes. So that first goal, can you remind us what it was again?

Josie: To be comfortable, confident and articulate in offering and sharing prayer in a pastoral context.

Announcer: I see. So where did this discomfort you felt come from?

Josie: Well, growing up in an unchurched family I was never exposed to prayer. And as I started to explore prayer for myself I found it difficult to find my own voice. I was always worried I was doing it 'wrong' if I didn't seem to pray like everyone else did. So although I was comfortable praying in a prepared manner, like at Church, I did not have any experience in offering prayer in a more intimate, pastoral situation.

Announcer: But later on you felt you had achieved this goal. What changed?

Josie: Partly practise. I mean, when you do something often enough you do start to get used to it. And I met some lovely patients who received my prayer with grace and thanks, for example Sally in verbatim #3. But the main thing that helped was finding my own voice in prayer.

Announcer: Was there someone in particular who helped you with this? (knowing look)

Josie: Why yes actually! Marjorie always seemed to comfortable and confident in her prayers. As first I thought I should try and pray like she does, because that seemed so effective. But Noela pointed out that Marjorie was so well loved because she was so authentic, and that finding my voice should prove the same. So I learned to offer prayer and if this offer was taken up to pray about what myself and the patient had been speaking about in my own words and those of the patient. And viola! It works! I do feel comfortable, confident and articulate in offering prayer because it is in my voice and with my understanding.

Announcer. That's great Josie.

Josie: But wait, there's more! About the same time I achieved this goal I also achieved the other one I set at the same time, to become secure in identifying myself as a pastoral carer.

Announcer: Oh?

Josie: Yeah, after a few (or maybe a few more) weeks of training it seemed silly to deny that I was fulfilling this role to others. When I was coming to people, in their beds or in their homes, it was as a pastoral carer and they accepted me as such (for example, Fred in verbatim 13). They were willing to share intimate parts of their lives with me. To deny my identity was also to deny their faith in me and in Christ. I came to realise that being a PC was not about me, it was about the patients. Kinda obvious really!

Announcer: Quite. So after you'd fulfilled these goals, did you set more?

Josie: Of course! I find setting and achieving goals to be very building of myself, and it is something I will continue with. My final two goals were to be accepting of my weaknesses, to see mistakes as opportunities for growth rather than misfortunes; and to use my newly found reflective listening skills in my intimate relationship as well as my professional ones.

Announcer: And how are they going?

Josie: Oh, I think these ones are going to take a little longer. As someone with a tendency towards perfectionism I can be quite hard on myself when I think I've stuffed up. Doing verbatims has been really helpful with this, because I've been able to listen, receive and give suggestions as to better practise in ministry without any anger or shame. It's occurring to me that a mistake can provide a learning you may not otherwise have found! As for my listening skills... well, that's something I will continue to work on. Practise makes perfect!

Announcer: Indeed it does. So, moving on to your Outcomes for basic part time CPE. Could you articulate for us some central themes of your religious heritage and the theological understanding that informs your ministry?

Josie: Probably.

Pause

Josie: Oh, you mean now? Sure. As an Anglican, a major part of my pastoral understanding is that we live through the via media, the middle way. We don't have a central ruling body that tells us what we have to think and believe, and this is very important to me. It means that even though we may have vastly different theological beliefs and understandings, mine is no more valid or real than yours. It means that though we may disagree, sometimes vehemently, in the end we are all brothers and sisters in Christ and connected in and through the Spirit in the power of God. I am comfortable and curious about differing views – and I find that my own can change as a result of new experiences and learnings.

Announcer: For example?

Josie: Well, I had never considered myself to be an embodiment of Christ, although I had professed to believe and live it. After all, in the creed I do say that I believe in the resurrection of the body, and to me that occurs every day in our lives as people of the Book. But it wasn't until I started CPE and we started talking about who we are to our patients that I saw how this reality is played out in a tangible way. It is humbling and scary and such a profound act of worship to be in this position – there are really no words to describe it.

Announcer: You've moved on a bit past where we were going here Josie. Shall we go back to outcome 2 in a moment and stick with number three, what have you learned about yourself as a minister and person?

Josie: Okey doke! When I started CPE I considered myself to be quite self aware, but as it happens I was quite mistaken. In good ways as well as not so good, actually. A big one is my relationship with my own mortality. I had thought that after my cancer journey I was quite comfortable with the concept of my own death, but reading a wonderful book called 'May I walk you home?' showed me just how much I was avoiding that particular topic. I was also forced to confront the issue of rejection and what it means to me. What I was able to discover is that a patient can not reject me as a person because they don't know who I am – what they are rejecting is who they think I am, what role I am playing in their head. When I understood this it became easier to distance myself from feelings of resentment or grief following a rejected offering of myself. On a more positive note, I cam into CPE thinking that I would really struggle with handling criticism, but this has not been the issue that I thought it was going to be. I think it is because any criticism levelled my way really was made in love and with my own best interest at heart, given to build me up rather than bring me down. I found I welcomed it as it gave me an opportunity to look at things in a different way. And I learned that if I disagreed with it, after thought and prayer on the issue, then I didn't have to own it. That was liberating as well.

Announcer: You've touched on your cancer journey – can you share some other major life events, relationships and cultural contexts that influence personal identity as expressed in pastoral functioning?

Josie: Yeah, sure. I was brought up in a house that embraced difference and have worshipped in churches that do the same, from Sudanese refugees to parents of children with disabilities to our older citizens struggling with loneliness and loss. This means I am comfortable in many situations, not much phases or shocks me (yet). I have experienced mental illness in my life as well as those around me, and addiction as well. I understand that these issues run much deeper than can be seen or explained. Journeying with my father in law in his final months has given me an understanding and love for the dying. And of course having children gives me an automatic bond with anyone who has or loves children in their own life.

Announcer: So, do you feel more confident/competent in your ability to interact and communicate with patients/parishioners?

Josie: Absolutely. When presenting my verbatim about a woman with little sight or hearing, I discovered the importance of observing body language for permission for physical contact. It seems to be best not to ask too many questions, but to mirror the other's language and/or to put an emotion to what they are feeling, and people will often underrate their own emotions, for example they may say 'worried' instead of terrified (CPE 16/5/12). I am less worried about initiating a visit because the worst that can happen is that they will refuse. That's certainly not the end of the world! And we did some good work with Lynda about how to end a session to.

Announcer: You've mentioned initiating pastoral encounters. How hard/easy was this for you? What were the situations where this was difficult?

Josie: The longer I have been doing PC, the easier initiating a pastoral relationship gets. I can only offer myself, my presence and my time. I don't have to worry about not doing enough – I am not there to 'do' anything! I am certainly not there to 'help', as the guidelines for this evaluation seem to imply in this question.

Announcer: Ok, we'll keep that in mind. You've already touched on receiving feedback, saying that you found it easier than you expected. How about offering that feedback yourself?

Josie: That is something I struggled with at first, I must admit. I wanted to give feedback but I was worried I would come across too mean, so to speak. But when we reached a point where we trusted each other, it became natural to give feedback that I thought would help. It also became more about the other and less about me – if I failed to offer feedback because I was worried about how it would make me look I was doing no one any favours.

Announcer: So you found that when you focussed less on yourself it became easier to give and receive critique.

Josie: Exactly. I have never been in a small group situation like this one, and at first it felt very... confronting. I am a naturally open person so it wasn't that I didn't like sharing, but I did worry sometimes that I talk too much!

Announcer: You? Talk too much?

Josie: Silly, I know. But I had to become aware of the potential for me to dominate the conversation. Sometimes I really had to bite my tongue when I wanted to cut in or say something but realised that I needed to allow people time to think. I also was forced to become more comfortable with conflict. I know that it is a necessary and constructive part of life and relationships but it was something I needed to witness being used in a positive way to appreciate how it could be an effective communication tool.

Announcer: As we draw this segment to a close, is there anything you would like to say to the other participants in this course?

Josie: Why, yes!

Announcer: Well, that's enough talking from you, Josie. You are way over your word limit you know! Any final thoughts? Briefly?

Josie: I just want to thank everyone so much for joining me on this journey. It has been a privilege sharing it with you all, and I do strongly feel that God has a plan for all of our lives and that we are following it. Thanks be to God.

So what is a verbatim anyway?

This. Only not nornally with yourself. Ahem.

Name: Josie

Age: 30

Gender: Female

Marital Status: Married

Religion: Anglican

Date of visit: 6^th August

Place: Patient's home

Date when Written: ^{6th August}

Length of Visit: 10 minutes

Background:I know and trust this particular patient extremely well. We have no secrets although she does have hidden depths.

Plan: To be a pastoral presence to the patient, to see if there was anything she wanted to talk about and pray with her as indicated.

Impressions: Josie seemed to have something bothering her. She looked a little disturbed. There was a small child playing on the floor beside her.

Pastoral Call:

C1: Good morning Josie. I can see that something is bothering you. You look quite disturbed.

P2: I am disturbed. I am finding myself at odds with some of the core tenets of my faith and I just don't know what to do!

C3: You're finding yourself in disagreement with some of the core points of Christianity?

P4: I don't know, that's the problem.

Pause.

Basically, my faith and my identity are tied together intimately. My body, my mind, my soul – all these are part of my self as part of God's creation. And obviously being female, a woman, is a huge part of that. But so much of what we say in Church is tied to a masculine understanding of God. In the creed, we talk about the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, who we call the Lord. Three male entities. How I can I be part of something that is male? How can a God that is understood as male be a part of me, a female?

C5: You sound very distressed. It's hard when you feel like you are being denied a place in God.

P6: Yes! That is how it feels, like I am being denied, like my essential femaleness is somehow less than important. I know that people say that it shouldn't matter, that God is essentially genderless, but a central part of Anglicanism is 'what we pray is what we believe'. So when we pray to a male God we are internalising this message that God, and Godliness, is male.

C7: You are conflicted.

P8: Yes. When I am on my own I can understand God as genderless or Father or Mother or Spirit or anything really, depending on who I need God to be at that time. God is fluid and ever changing. But when in a group I feel like I need to pray to God the father. And that's when I feel like I am betraying a part of myself. I wouldn't mind if this was one of a number of ways we image God, but it seems to be the predominant one.

C9: So when you are praying in Church or with a group of people, you feel like praying to a male God is separating you from God. That sounds terribly upsetting.

P10: It is. And then I start to wonder how I can belong to a Church, be ordained into a Church, when I disagree so strongly with so much of our tradition.

C11:You worry that if you don't agree with the party line you shouldn't be part of the group?

P12: I guess so. And how can I, who know so little, be right and the whole historical Church be wrong?

C13: You feel like you aren't equipped to make this decision.

P14: But that's silly thinking. No one except me can tell me how I should or shouldn't be feeling. And nothing would ever change if no one ever questioned the status flow. We are celebrating 20 years of women priests this year and that would never have happened if someone, somewhere, hadn't challenged however many years of tradition.

C15: Every change starts small, I guess.

P16: Yes. And I'm not forcing anyone to change the way they talk or think about God, I'm just using my God given gifts and spirit to choose the way I talk and think about God.

C17: You sound a little more positive about that. That you can only be faithful to yourself and God.

P18: I think I am. We don't have to agree with everything our denomination does to be a member of it, especially Anglicanism! I can dislike the gendered language for God and change it within my own sphere and talk to others about it and still be a faithful Anglican, and more importantly a faithful child of God. I really don't feel like God wants me to change who I am in that regard – I am a woman and I am concious of those who find gender a barrier to God. Maybe one of God's paths for me is to challenge this understanding! It's very biblical, after all.

C19: Maybe you are someone who will change the way we understand God, even on a small scale. That sounds exciting.

P20: It is. Exciting and a little daunting. But I know God will lead me, one way or another. I can only do what I feel drawn to do, and hope God will correct me if I go too far astray.

C21: Faith and hope. An excellent combination.

P22: I think so.

At this point the baby needed attention so we wrapped it up.

Analysis:

What happened or was happening in me during the visit? How was I responding?

This is an issue which is close to my own heart, so I felt I really understood where the patient was coming from. It was hard not to give advice or validate what she was saying, but that's not why I was there. It's not about whether or not I approve of what she is doing, but how she feels about it that matters.

Theological Evaluation:

This was one of the rare encounters (for me) which is explicitly theological. I am reminded that Jesus challenged many centuries of tradition in understanding God – and gave us a relational term for speaking to God , 'Abba'. I think it was the relational rather than male aspect of this that is important. And Moses also had trouble defining his role when God summoned him. Maybe it's ok to be confused!

Pastoral Opportunity: I found this very helpful, to have a discussion with myself and dig deeper into how I was feeling. I think this is something I can continue to do.

Supervisory Request: Is speaking to yourself the first sign of insanity? Or is it just using the skills I have been given to grow in God?