I made some moderately serious errors in judgement last week. I won't go into what they were, but I had a few complaints from parents about the content of my chapel services. With hindsight (oh, that perfect view) I can see that the kids I am dealing with now are much more protected than the kids I am used to, and that their parents are very big on keeping their (presumed) innocence for as long as possible.
So when talking about violence in intimate relationships and progressive consent, I have to be very very careful about what examples I should use. Apparently despite a majority of the students having read or seen Twilight or 50 shades, it is not acceptable for me to use them as examples of a relationship gone wrong.
Am I bitter? I didn't think so! I still think we are selling our kids short by pretending that these things aren't happening, HOWEVER there is a time and a place to go through these issues and a 20 minute chapel is probably not the time.
Probably.
Definitely.
Ok, definitely not the time or place.
When this was kindly but seriously pointed out to me by my principal, my immediate instinct was to just MAKE HIM STOP TALKING. With all the benefit of the aforementioned hindsight, I could see that I had pushed too far too fast and risked alienating the very people I should be trying to get on side. I am called to push, yes, but not to the point where the message is lost in the shock, and this is what was happening. Pride goes before a fall indeed - I must confess I was a little prideful at introducing such important topics to my students - the higher you are the harder you fall! So I DIDN'T NEED to HEAR it! I KNEW I had done wrong. I was devastated that I had potentially caused harm to the very people I was called to serve and mortified that I had done so so very publicly.
There are two possibilities for me when I become aware I have failed. If the accusing party is at all aggressive I will go into fight mode and defend myself vigorously. If, however, they are kind or matter of fact, I cry.
I prefer to fight.
I felt thoroughly ashamed. Not only for my mistakes, but for my uncontrolled tears. I just couldn't get myself calm! The poor principal had to leave the room before I could even begin to settle. It took me a good hour to feel presentable again (luckily Grade 7's are easily distractable!) and for the rest of the day and evening I couldn't think about it without tears.
Now, here is my quandary. I have been working very hard on self talk and resilience. I have known from after that first flood of tears that I have repented and been forgiven, by the principal and (more importantly) by God. I had decided on the path I needed to take to help heal the gaps I had made, and I know I will not make the same mistake (in the same way) again. The time had come to forgive myself.
So I did. And it was easy.
This is the problem.
Is forgiving myself really the right thing to do?
Of course it is, I know it is! God is clear, in scripture and in my heart. I have been forgiven, the sin has been wiped away. But somehow by forgiving myself without beating myself up, without declaring that I am a terrible person and a terrible priest, it feels like I am making light of my sin. Somehow I have absorbed that penance requires pain, that there is no forgiveness without punishment. That is not my theology, but it is lingering at the back of my head, sticking it's ugly head up and making me question my own Spirit.
I am putting a name to that voice. That voice is evil.
The voice which says I must punish myself, my penance is not valid without pain, that voice is evil. It is trying to separate me from my conviction of the love and mercy of God, and I will refute it.
I am worthy.
I have been forgiven.
I am loved.
There, now I feel better!
