Dear Friend,
This is a very hard letter to write. It is a letter that you will never see, because it would cause more hurt than I am willing to inflict. But it is a letter that needs to be written, because I am sore in my heart about what is to come.
You are a great person. You are kind, smart, very funny! You really care about the people around you and you are generous with your time and your gifts. You are Godparent to my child because I really thought we would be part of each other's lives forever. I still hope that, but I think it's not going to look the way I thought it would 5 years ago.
The thing is, with all you give (and it is a lot) you expect a lot in return. A lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of pain. I am a very easy going person and I don't particularly like making waves, but you seem to need to hurt me whenever I hurt you, and I seem to hurt you fairly often. And I seem to just accept it. I never fight back, because I know that it's not worth the turmoil that would follow. I don't want to hurt you, offend you or cause problems for you, but it seems that that is what is happenning more and more often at the moment. As I grow as a person, as a Christian and as a woman, I seem to be less and less who I was when we met. This isn't a bad thing - we need to grow and change! - but it does seem to be a problem for you. I think we are too close, literally! I think a bit more physical space will help us to remain closer than when we see each other too often. Maybe we take each other a bit for granted? What I really mean is, maybe you take me a bit for granted. Maybe you assume that I will take your barbed comments and ignore them because that's what I do, that I will ignore the fact that you treated me with silence over something I still don't know but expect me to jump for you when you need me again. I wonder really how much you can like me when you often seem to assume the worst out of everything I say.
I am a harder person now than I used to be. I have more faith in myself. A lot of this is down to your friendship. You have helped make me who I am and I am better for it. I know you have noticed the distance i am putting between us and are resenting it. I know you are punishing me for it. I don't know if you are aware of this - I hope not. Because it isn't worthy of you.
You are my friend. I hope you will always be a part of my life. But right now I am going through a very introspective time and I am an introvert by nature. I am not willing to spend the time and energy that you desire or think you deserve. This is a time when I am looking after myself, my family, my relationship with God. I don't have the energy, or the inclination, to check everytime I speak to make sure I don't offend you, to worry everytime I call that you won't speak to me because of something I have done without ever knowing what it is.
I really, truly love you. I am thankful for all you have done for me. I hope and pray we will continue to be close for many years to come. Change is hard. Life is hard. But I hope we will both be the better for it.
I love you.
