Regrets, I've had a few...

...too few to mention, really.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (and this is unusual how?). I've written this post many times in my head. I think though (see!) that writing it down will help clear my thoughts a little. Sometimes I think about maybe opening up this blog to a wider audience, but I like that the only people who read it are my friend, my brother and my parents. Immediate family only.

Anyhoo, it all started when I had a 'coffee' with the principal of St Francis. He prides himself on being an open door kinda chap, so this is not an unusual request. It was, however, the first time I've been invited down, so I was a little worried. I couldn't think of anything I'd done wrong though...

Turns out that I was fine, he really did just want to chat and give me some things to think about. No matter what I say about Steven (and I do) he really does care for his students and does his best to help us. And he practices what he preaches to! I know we (the formation students) sometimes whine about being forced into a narrow idea of what it is to be priest (and wine as well, but that's a different matter), but Steven does care for and appreciate us as individuals. And even I, who am the last defense of the defensiveness team, was so well handled by him that I didn't even feel bad! Steven's point, reached after MUCH ego stroking on his part, was that he feels that I use my intelligence, humour and articulateness (see what I mean) as a barrier to avoid allowing people, including myself, to really get below the surface. Well, that's kinda hard to deny.

I was a little aware that I do that, but not enough until he brought it up to do anything about it. And I'm realising I need to do a lot of work on myself, on how and why I react the way I do, before I can start to help others.

I am very much a 'no regrets' person. I live in the present, which can be great. Certainly it's something that pop psychology likes to promote - 10 things about life I learned from my dog and so on. But I think I do it to avoid thinking about things that are unpleasant. De Nile - not just a river in Egypt. So I managed to avoid thinking about having cancer till it went away, and I really haven't faced Mick's death. I don't know if that's because I grieved while he was alive, or if I'm just gazing at the sand. And I avoid planning too far into the future because that involves... I don't know, worry? I haven't got that far yet, maybe I try not to because that way I can't be disappointed when things don't work out. I know that although in some ways I am a risk taker, it's only when I am risking life and limb rather than face. I try way to hard to prevent anything that may make me look ignorant - you know, the whole better keep your mouth shut and have people think you're a fool thing.

So it's time to woman up. Hear me roar.