So what is a verbatim anyway?

This. Only not nornally with yourself. Ahem.

Name: Josie

Age: 30

Gender: Female

Marital Status: Married

Religion: Anglican

Date of visit: 6^th August

Place: Patient's home

Date when Written: ^{6th August}

Length of Visit: 10 minutes

Background:I know and trust this particular patient extremely well. We have no secrets although she does have hidden depths.

Plan: To be a pastoral presence to the patient, to see if there was anything she wanted to talk about and pray with her as indicated.

Impressions: Josie seemed to have something bothering her. She looked a little disturbed. There was a small child playing on the floor beside her.

Pastoral Call:

C1: Good morning Josie. I can see that something is bothering you. You look quite disturbed.

P2: I am disturbed. I am finding myself at odds with some of the core tenets of my faith and I just don't know what to do!

C3: You're finding yourself in disagreement with some of the core points of Christianity?

P4: I don't know, that's the problem.

Pause.

Basically, my faith and my identity are tied together intimately. My body, my mind, my soul – all these are part of my self as part of God's creation. And obviously being female, a woman, is a huge part of that. But so much of what we say in Church is tied to a masculine understanding of God. In the creed, we talk about the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, who we call the Lord. Three male entities. How I can I be part of something that is male? How can a God that is understood as male be a part of me, a female?

C5: You sound very distressed. It's hard when you feel like you are being denied a place in God.

P6: Yes! That is how it feels, like I am being denied, like my essential femaleness is somehow less than important. I know that people say that it shouldn't matter, that God is essentially genderless, but a central part of Anglicanism is 'what we pray is what we believe'. So when we pray to a male God we are internalising this message that God, and Godliness, is male.

C7: You are conflicted.

P8: Yes. When I am on my own I can understand God as genderless or Father or Mother or Spirit or anything really, depending on who I need God to be at that time. God is fluid and ever changing. But when in a group I feel like I need to pray to God the father. And that's when I feel like I am betraying a part of myself. I wouldn't mind if this was one of a number of ways we image God, but it seems to be the predominant one.

C9: So when you are praying in Church or with a group of people, you feel like praying to a male God is separating you from God. That sounds terribly upsetting.

P10: It is. And then I start to wonder how I can belong to a Church, be ordained into a Church, when I disagree so strongly with so much of our tradition.

C11:You worry that if you don't agree with the party line you shouldn't be part of the group?

P12: I guess so. And how can I, who know so little, be right and the whole historical Church be wrong?

C13: You feel like you aren't equipped to make this decision.

P14: But that's silly thinking. No one except me can tell me how I should or shouldn't be feeling. And nothing would ever change if no one ever questioned the status flow. We are celebrating 20 years of women priests this year and that would never have happened if someone, somewhere, hadn't challenged however many years of tradition.

C15: Every change starts small, I guess.

P16: Yes. And I'm not forcing anyone to change the way they talk or think about God, I'm just using my God given gifts and spirit to choose the way I talk and think about God.

C17: You sound a little more positive about that. That you can only be faithful to yourself and God.

P18: I think I am. We don't have to agree with everything our denomination does to be a member of it, especially Anglicanism! I can dislike the gendered language for God and change it within my own sphere and talk to others about it and still be a faithful Anglican, and more importantly a faithful child of God. I really don't feel like God wants me to change who I am in that regard – I am a woman and I am concious of those who find gender a barrier to God. Maybe one of God's paths for me is to challenge this understanding! It's very biblical, after all.

C19: Maybe you are someone who will change the way we understand God, even on a small scale. That sounds exciting.

P20: It is. Exciting and a little daunting. But I know God will lead me, one way or another. I can only do what I feel drawn to do, and hope God will correct me if I go too far astray.

C21: Faith and hope. An excellent combination.

P22: I think so.

At this point the baby needed attention so we wrapped it up.

Analysis:

What happened or was happening in me during the visit? How was I responding?

This is an issue which is close to my own heart, so I felt I really understood where the patient was coming from. It was hard not to give advice or validate what she was saying, but that's not why I was there. It's not about whether or not I approve of what she is doing, but how she feels about it that matters.

Theological Evaluation:

This was one of the rare encounters (for me) which is explicitly theological. I am reminded that Jesus challenged many centuries of tradition in understanding God – and gave us a relational term for speaking to God , 'Abba'. I think it was the relational rather than male aspect of this that is important. And Moses also had trouble defining his role when God summoned him. Maybe it's ok to be confused!

Pastoral Opportunity: I found this very helpful, to have a discussion with myself and dig deeper into how I was feeling. I think this is something I can continue to do.

Supervisory Request: Is speaking to yourself the first sign of insanity? Or is it just using the skills I have been given to grow in God?